Dr. Ando's Answer

Posted on 08/18/2009 at 08:08 am PST

Dear mynerdgirl,

In some circles, a single bisexual woman interested in a couple is considered so rare, she's referred to as a unicorn.  One of the first questions I answered addressed part of this question; one can go back to 8/4/2008 and scan that for the suggestions I'm not repeating here. 

There are a few ways of going about this.  The interesting thing is, there seems to be a threshold for finding datable women. I have quite a few friends and acquaintances who went for years looking for female casual sex partners and once they found one, it opened up a hidden community of them. 

A few questions:
Where do you meet friends in the first place?  If you're surrounded by the same pool of people most of the time, consider checking out some different groups.  With lots of females in them.  Check craigslist.org for different groups or classes.  Even if none of the groups or classes are something you're passionate about, attend a few of the more interesting (or female based) ones and see if anyone there knows of something closer to what you like.  Or put out an ad to start your own group of hot gamer chicks.  You could screen them at a local coffee shop, then hang out somewhere to game and compare bra sizes.  (I'm only sort of kidding about this - a room full of comfortable and awesome girls can be ridiculously silly and fun, regardless of age)

What messages are you nonverbally (or verbally) sending out to women?  Learning how to read members of one's own gender can be difficult; we're not really taught how to be queer flirters.  Try playing with your type of eye contact (bold and maintained eye contact, with a little curl of a smile; shy and sweet eye contact, then looking away, then looking back, tilting your head a little and blushing, etc.).  Most women aren't particularly expecting to be hit on by other women, so you might have to be a little more obvious.  You're going to have to be sending out those signs that you're interested first.

Try looking up local polyamory groups in your area. I just did a search for "polyamory support group Grand Rapids" and came up with: http://www.polyamorysociety.org/localgroups.html  They have potlucks, dinners, activites, and discussions.  And I'm (hoping), hot group action for at least some of them.  When joining a new group, keep in mind that as a bi-curious female, you're also going to be a shiny new curiosity to them.  Consider attending the group for a few rounds before agreeing to take someone home, so you get a clearer idea of who will stick around and be reliable for you.

Finally, I can't recommend this site highly enough: http://www.girlpile.org/  It's for starting your own pile of girls.  The FAQ and Contact segment are particularly relevant to your question.  She has the advantage of starting her Girlpile in San Francisco, but it grew from ~10 friends the first night to a houseful of women running around giggling and having a blast.  Her other house parties are pangender, so it's not a gender-exclusive concept.

Really, it's going to take going outside of your familiar range of behaviors and places to hang out.  And you might be around some odd people.  Take the standard precautions of screening people when you meet them, know your boundaries and limitations for you and your partner before you find someone, and don't give up when you don't find the right person "soon enough."

Happy hunting!

Cheers!

Dr. Ando