mynerdgirl
Orange, CA
mynerdgirl asked:
Dear Dr. Ando, I've always been a sexual person. As one friend put it I ooze sex. I've also noticed a tendency to be experimental and dominant, even while being submissive. I've dabbled in bondage and S&M, but I've had a habit of meeting vanilla types. People who don't now about or aren't into the scene. Recenty I've met a sub that sees me as nothing but a dom. I am moving slowly but I want to really know what I am doing so as not to cause srious injury both physically and emotionally. I don't know where to look for accurate guidance. Are there classes or books I should look into? Thanks always for your awesome advice! Sincerely, The Nerdy Dom
Dr. Ando's Answer
Posted on 02/19/2009 at 10:45 am PST
Dear mynerdgirl,
What a fabulous question! And such a delicious quest.
Personally, I tend to enjoy classes the most. The presenters usually have an honesty that is sometimes hit-or-miss in books. The availability of classes will vary on your location. If you're a big city dweller, you're in luck. There will be classes, munches, parties, weekend intensives, book readings, and more. A few sex educators that travel and teach kink I recommend are Midori, Carol Queen, Bridgett "Lee" Harrington, EduKink, and Nina Hartley. These are also wonderfully sexy people with intensely lickable brains. If they're traveling to your city, get your ticket early. Good classes are often run by the local BDSM organization to help ease newbies into their own sense of kink. Especially look for SM 101, peer workshops, and discussion groups.
And now, the reading list. Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Miller and Devon and Different Loving by Brame, Brame, and Jacobs are classic BDSM introductions. When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton is good to have on hand for the new vanilla partner. For some more technical and negotiation information, Easton and Hardy wrote The New Topping Book (and the New Bottoming Book). A couple of good bondage books are Bondage for Sex by Chanta Rose and Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes by the Knotty Boys. You might enjoy Erotic Power by Gini Scott - an interesting personal account of one woman's discovery of her own sexual dominant power.
To get better specifics on your local scene, many cities, hold munches. Munches are social gatherings, usually held in restaurants, with other kinky minded people. The idea is to have a low key hangout and be able to talk with other people interested in similar things as you, without necessarily dressing up or being cruised. Standard procedure is go hang out, someone usually facilitates an introduction of everyone, and food/drink is consumed. Ask questions, take a friend, and have fun. Everyone should be rather nice and welcoming. When searching for your local munch, each website should have information on what standard dress is (some are bars that you can wear whatever you like, others request that you don't scare the Muggles).
There are also weekend events that are play and learning oriented, such
as Thunder in the Mountains, Black Rose, Leather Levi Weekend, TNGCon -
though these might be a little (very) intense for a newcomer. When you have a few friends in the scene and/or you're ready to go balls out, they're an incredible experience.
Useful links:
Munches in California: http://ncbdsm.tripod.com/california/La%20Basin.html
Calendar of Events in SF Bay area: http://www.soj.org/calendar/
Sex events (broader range): http://www.sexandculture.org/
Cheers!
Dr. Ando
